


what's that

by iamthemagicks



Category: Roseanne
Genre: Abandonment, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-27 00:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14414022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamthemagicks/pseuds/iamthemagicks
Summary: It's some of the earliest memories you have, everyone coming to your home because the best hospital was in Chicago. They thought they were protecting you from everything, but you're whipsmart and a great eavesdropper.At night, when they thought you were asleep, you'd sit in the hallway and listen to the grown up conversations.





	what's that

You were five-years-old when your uncle died, and the family has been ruined ever since. 

*

It's some of the earliest memories you have, everyone coming to your home because the best hospital was in Chicago. They thought they were protecting you from everything, but you're whipsmart and a great eavesdropper. 

At night, when they thought you were asleep, you sit in the hallway and listen to the grown-up conversations.

"They're not letting him come home," your aunt says with a tickle in her throat. "More testing."

"He'll be fine, Becky," your mother says. "I mean, Dad couldn't' get rid of him, what luck does some disease have?" There is some slight laughter. 

Your own father comes down the hall, rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing up?"

You shrug. "Aunt Becky is sad."

He nods. "We're all sad. Uncle Mark is sick. Come on, I'll read you a bedtime story." He takes you back to bed, reads you a story, and kisses you on the forehead. As he turns off the light, he lingers in the doorway. Quickly, you pretend to be asleep and you hear him crying.

*

A few days later, you watch out the window as your aunt helps your uncle out of the car and into the apartment building. "Hey, where's my girl?" he asks as soon as he's inside the door. You stand in the middle of the living room, staring at him. His skin has gone really pale and there is a tube coming out of his nose that leads to a tank at his side. He notices you staring.

"Don't worry about that," he says with a gesture and walks to the couch. He sits down and pats the cushion next to him. 

You approach, nervous about this contraption that he has brought home with him, but you sit down as he asked. Your aunt goes into the kitchen to find your mother. 

"This helps me breathe better," he tells you. "It's just air." He removes the tubes and sticks them near your nose so you can see there isn't anything to be afraid of. He makes a funny noise for you and you both laugh. "Now, how about you draw me a picture, huh? And one for your Aunt Becky."

*

Your uncle does not get better.

There is a lot of crying and fighting in the house. You spend a lot of time in your room while your parents fight and while your aunt cries. Your uncle tries to smile for you and keep you engaged when he can, but even at your young age, you know that something is not right.

After a few months, your parents tell you that he's in the hospital and you're going to visit him.

"Why can't he just come to the house?" you ask as you hold Mom's hand on the elevator. Your dad has been crying and faces the door. Mom squeezes your hand tighter.

"He's really sick, Harris. Sometimes it's better to be in the hospital." She gives you a smile, but her grip stays tight. 

They walk you to a room and everything smells like lemon cleaner. The room is big and everything is bright. Machines beep and make weird noises, but there's your uncle in a bed, with tubes in his nose, and wires and needles stuck into his skin. You try to back away against your mother's legs, but she holds your shoulders. "This is really important," she says in a whisper. "It's fine, I promise." She nudges you and your approach the bed.

His skin is chalky and almost white. He doesn't quite smile when he sees you, but he reaches a hand out to you. "Hey, Harris," he says. 

"Hi."

"Thanks for coming to see me."

"Daddy says you're sick."

He nods and you inch closer to the bed. "I'm very sick."

"Are you going to get better soon?" People who go to the hospital are supposed to get better.

He doesn't give you an answer and you've reached the bed. You let him hold your hand. "Tell me about school." So you tell him about your day; going through the alphabet, listening to the teacher read stories, and making spider webs out of glue. He listens to your every word. Aunt Becky comes in and gives you the biggest hug and the biggest kiss. 

You know it's serious because your grandparents have come, too. At night, there's more crying and fighting. Your grandpa seems to be the only person with any sense. He tells you funny stories and makes funny faces while Aunt Becky and your father cry. 

*

There's no one to take care of you, so you're with your mother in a waiting area at the hospital. You don't know where your father and aunt are. Your mother just holds you very close and combs her fingers through your hair.

In the middle of the night, you wake up from the couch and see your mother holding your aunt as she sobs. You'd never heard someone cry that hard before. Your grandfather is on the couch next to you. "What happened?" you ask, scooting closer. He looks very sad. 

He picks you up and sets you on his lap. "Your Uncle Mark is gone."

"Where did he go?"

"He didn't get better," he tells you. "He's up in Heaven now."

"Oh." There is a sick feeling in your stomach and you understand that you'll never see your uncle again.

*

That's when things really start to fall apart. You have to go back to Nana Rose's house for a while. People are coming and going and there is food everywhere. Your Uncle Jerry is about the same age as you are, so the two of you spend your time together, watching and listening to everything going on in the house. 

Your Nana Mary watches you and Jerry when everyone else leaves the house. There was more crying and everyone was dressed in black. 

No one actually talks to you. They're just crying and moving around the house like ghosts. Back at your house, your dad stays in bed all day and he wanders the house at night. He walks back and forth down the hallway and stops at your door when he thinks your asleep. 

You're young, but you understand that the dynamic has changed. Your father is not the same as he used to be. There is more fighting between them. Then one day, your mother tells you that she is going to be having a baby. She looks happy, but your father still looks miserable.

*

Aunt Becky is there when your baby brother is born. Your mother gives him your uncle's name and your father cries.

*

It just after Mark's first birthday when your father leaves for the first time. It's just supposed to be for a little bit, so he can get a break, so he can find out who he is, so he can learn how to live without his brother (you hear all of this as your parents scream at each other). 

You think that his trip really will just be for a little while, but it's almost a month when he comes home. He leaves again and again, like being in the apartment causes him physical pain. 

Mark is three when he stops expecting to see your father. You're eight and you stop expecting to see him, too. 

 

*

 

Your brother Mark starts asking you about your Uncle Mark and it starts to make you angry. "I don't know, Mark," you snap one day. "I was only five." 

Mom yells at you and tells you to be nicer to your brother. "It would really help me out a lot," Mom says almost crying. She sits at the kitchen table with the bills piled all around her. 

"Okay," you say and back out of the kitchen.

Mark sits on the couch with one of his stuffed animals. He wears one of your old skirts and a t-shirt with a dinosaur. "Mommy is sad," he says. He's just as smart as you. 

You walk over to the bookshelf and pull out a photo album. Dad is an artist and made it look pretty, but he hasn't touched it in years. You sit next to Mark and open the cover. "What's that?" he asks.

"Family pictures." You'd never tell Mom, but you're starting to forget what your Uncle Mark looks like. The first pages are of you. They tell you that you almost died when you were born because you were born too early. You're in an incubator with a lot of tubes and tape, just like Uncle Mark at the end. Mom, Aunt Becky and Jackie, Nana Rose and Nana Mary surround your incubator, everyone in tears. Dad must have taken the picture.

"You were tiny," Mark says.

"Babies are tiny." You turn the page. Lots of pictures of you as a baby, as if they were afraid you'd disappear. Each picture is marked with a date and age. Harris 3 mon. Harris 5 mon. Harris coming home. 

And there is the picture that you were waiting for. Uncle Mark and Aunt Becky sitting on the couch with you, still a tiny baby, between them. "There he is." Dark hair like you and Dad, bright blue eyes like a movie star. A smile that makes you smile. You remember how he'd ask you for pictures and would play with you. Uncle Mark is a big kid, Mom would say. He'd let you put clips in his hair and one time paint his nails. 

"He was really funny," you tell him. "Not very smart though."

"That's okay." Mark flips the page for you. "Is that why Daddy left?"

"Kind of." 

Mom told you one night that losing Uncle Mark broke something inside of him. They didn't have a real family. Their dad was a bad man, and their mother not much better. Uncle Mark was all Dad had left. The only one who really loved him. How can you be a full person if your parents never loved you? 

"I wish I knew him," Mark says.

"Yeah." 

As Mark looks through the pictures and you tell the stories you glance up and Mom is standing in the doorway of the living room with a smile on her face, but tears in her eyes. She mouths 'thank you' to you and listens. 

"He'd love to have met you," you tell Mark. 

You hope, somehow, that your family can rebuild.


End file.
